Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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