I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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