I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
