theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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