yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
