I hate all girls vehemently.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
