I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
