It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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