I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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