the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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