You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
