I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
