I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
