Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
