You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
