I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
