That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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