Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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