It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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