how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
