I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
