He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're like the curious george of whores
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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