I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
