Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
