I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
