why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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