but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
