question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
