VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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