ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
