It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
