I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
