I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
