Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
