I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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