Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
