i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
