Soap is not a condiment
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
