the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
