We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
