so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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