I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
