Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
