I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
