My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
