if i can run in heels then i can drive
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
PANTIES FOUND
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