Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
