I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
