Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
