As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
