he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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