Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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