I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
