Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
