my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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