new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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