What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
