i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
