He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
