One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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